I feel so reduced, so defeated. I'm sorry beyond myself and I've apologised more times than I have ever to someone in such a short period of time.

So unrequited. So bashed up. It's like when i totally "hated" steven 2 years and nine months ago. here was how it went:

x) it hurts me to type it, but here it goes:

http://spikedog123.blogspot.com/2009/05/hundred-fifty-sixth-post.html

dated 2nd May 2009
(02:04) walking sideways:
im sorry, im sorry
(02:04) bruder † 4g of i:
-________-
(02:04) walking sideways:
i know that your imagination kills, but still :\
(02:04) bruder † 4g of i:
say sorrie at my funeral
(02:04) walking sideways:
i was being insensitive
sorry
(02:05) walking sideways:
hai.

i'm sorry, steven. i was the insensitive one.

i just got home from outside. i wanted to meet stephanie but i met up with steven's godsister instead. i wanted to meet him or his sister so badly that i threatened to ingest pills. so badlie. i was desperate.

i was so worried for steven that i thought of him constantly that day. i wanted to know so badlie what had happened to him out of genuine concern but of course, i infringed on his comfort and well-being. it was selfish and insensitive of me to have enquired.


while looking for the part where i said i hated him (and i regret indefinitely to have said that because of my upsetness and pride), i read some chatlogs dating back to 2009. my God, steven...... it's my greatest regret to have lost you. i hope though that you won't forget me x) my good boi, i love you for always.

i've also uncovered (and it's my first time seeing) the conversation between grace and steven.
dated 26 May 2009



i'm sorry. you changed my life. i wish we could still keep it contact, though. it's going to be the third year. i regret so much..........................

i wish you well, steven. i hope you are happie :'( i always hope so and i always wish so. i hope one day you will write me another letter. i hope one day i can see you again.


now, to you L who is reading if you ever bear to come to my blog again, I beg you to forgive me. we've all been reallie mad and upset once and we say things impulsively, but i beg you to accept what comes after that which is my apology. i'm so sorry x( steven and i made up after that, why won't you do the same? i'm not saying that you should but please, on the account of my emotions and self...... please, i need care and concern

.....................................................................................

Samuel

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