i was reflecting in the shower
thinking about why i am this way
why!
and thinking about what i want
i think i know what i want
whenever i think about people whom i had developed an emotional attachment to who brutally, perhaps one of whom necessarily, just chopped this tie away and left my heart to bleed, i know for sure they, or what they could provide, were what i wanted.
even after so long (?), it hurts whenever i think about them.
it just seems that with this thing that i want, hopefully when i get enough of it, i can give it up. give up this life entirely.
i want affection from someone older. c'mon, i'm not too bad-looking, i'm not uneducated, although i am socially unable......
and this is in the emotional realm. based in the emotional realm.
this yearning for years......
i don't wish to subscribe to the general way of doing things. i don't belong to the general section. i'm more than that.
it hurts )';
anyway, i'm thankful for beloved brothers in Christ who are here for me for the righteous thing. thank you all. thank you for your love. thank you, friends, who also love me. without your support, i would probably just crash and burn... and i don't mean support what i do. i mean supporting me when i feel depressed and shit
thank You that i am still alive. thank You for Your love.
i feel a little x__x sleepie... i initially had many things in mind to blog about, but i shall blog as much as i can bah...
first stupid thing i wanna blog about is my deteriorating eyesight -_-
blardie butt, i find myself facing my laptop for long durations of time......
was typing an email to my korean tutor D: spent like an hour doing so. LOL.
then previouslie i also spent like more than half a day doing my GEK module's assignment 1...... omggggggggggggggggggggggggg aogiajgpojf
anyway, let's talk about thursday! which was yesterday
i attended mah inorganic chemistry lecture... 2 hours! actuallie it's 1 hr 35 mins according to policie :P
and then i went for thai lecture...... there was a listening test :(
i didn't reallie get the instructions — cannot write on paper during the playing? LOL...... so i REALLIE DIDN'T understand the instructions and just penned down my answers when it was all over. so aajaarn was rushing me to hand in politely LOL. aajaarn by the way means professor in thai ^^
okay lah. i'd say my proficiency and comprehension in thai is improving (?) sigh......
next, i had korean tutorial! i thought it was reallie productive :)
i don't remember specificallie what grammar was supposed to be taught in the chapters we were revising...... but we practised speaking a lot!!! at the end of the lesson, i asked Ms Park (aka seonsaengnim) some grammar question... D: that was around 1.40 lidat
when i checked mah email at 2++, i realised she sent me a LONG email to explain the grammar we were talking about...
what DEDICATION, no? what helpfulness...... -touched-
after korean, i went to have lunch at da science faculty canteen :) had steamed chicken... which is basicallie ayam panggang o_O speaking of ayam panggang...... x(
neeway, i went to look for jonas and esmond at da science library. cough cough someone was sleeping..... who was supposed to teach me maths :(
i went for maths at 3 pm! again, the tutor .....................................
neeway, i chose to treat things differentlie this time. instead of lamenting, i chose to respect that he IS a teacher, HE possesses the expertise and therefore deserves our respect. after class, i approached him to ask some questions... i tried speaking in chinese :D when he spoke in chinese, information was better communicated ^^ he may not be good in English, but he sure can teach (or communicate ideas) better in his native language. i also got to learn some terms like negative, positive, expansion, differentiation, integration — ALL in chinese. although i don't remember the last two lah LOL
so we bade farewell after someeee long time. helpful person indeed!
in the lift going down, i was thiking about language use...... do you know the term for differentiation in chinese? it seems to make more sense in chinese about what HAPPENS in differentation. in english, you just see an arbitrarie word "differentiation". does it tell you anything about what you do when you differentiate? hardlie.
anyway, i'm thankful for all the people who have called out to me ^o^ like when they see me around in school, they call out to me even when i didn't notice them; when they bade farewell to me, saying my name even though i've never spoken to them before. is this about recognition? was it the social recognition that comforted me?
i'm sure we all yearn for attention. we should give it when it's due. likewise, i should give attention to the maths tutor (e.g. by communicating with him in chinese) or do i make no sense LOL
SCREW THE NEW BLOGGER LAYOUT -___________-
okay. shall blog another time :D
seeya again, david archie :(
Samuel
okay, so i thought i should post after studying for a while. been studying... i never thought i would actually borrow a thick textbook out of a science library and study the content...... for the same content taught during lecture, i could have learnt and understood better from the textbook <.< blardie hell......
anyway, about me. i'm still hurt from the loss of my phone thanks to an immoral thief.
what's worse is that i've been feeling hurt this week.
the depressed kind of hurt. the suicidal ~.~ kind of hurt. yet i thank God i am still alive
it's more than relationship problems if there even officially exists one. it's how there is a lack of understanding. it feels like jc again. that sad social life.
the korean lecturer was prettie mean yesterday (18 Sep). I just walked away from her sarcasm and indifference. i went "fine" in my head. "fine. i can rely on myself." "fine, i don't need you" i choose not to allow my interest to be callously slaughtered.
i don't fit in here. life is terrible. there's also no one to fall back on. there's always misunderstanding. no effort made to clear them. fine. i don't care either.
terrible feeling................. terrible, terrible feeling it weakens my heart, affects my dental health......
i see how adam young, the force behind owl city, shares a condition that i have. i see his awkward face in his latest video with carly rae jespen... how forced he might have been i feel some comfort, but...... i wish not to share this condition
i am so fucking in pain. emotional pain as you might have guessed i shall not turn to the ugly, sinful company for comfort. back off.
sad sam...... ....................................................................... i'm in urgent need of emotional support, otherwise i may be forced into masochism again. so hurt so hurt so hurt so hurt so hurt x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x(
I have a certain gripe for Candy Empire products......
1) OVERPRICED 2) SOUR CANDIES ARE NOT THAT sour :@
Anyway, I spent a bomb buying some liquorice candy...... xD Two packets. One is the usual Haribo Apple "extra sour" sour noodles...... LOL. The one with the picture of a chef with a plate of what looks like green spaghetti :D
The other packet is TANGY ZANGY SOUR STRAWBERRY FLAVOURED STICKS MADE WITH 5% APPLE JUICE CONCENTRATE The one which I am eating now :D YUMYUM!
Before I bought the candy, I was snooping around Candy Empire at VivoCity surreptitiously observing the social environment, the language usage of the shoppers, shop assistants and whatnot...... Fieldwork, yo
OMG I LOVE THE LIQUORICE XD but it's so expensive :( Right now, I even feel that my tongue is slightly corroded...... D:
Anyway, today I went to see Dr Leonard regarding Physical Chemistry...... for two hours! I actually got sapped of my energy and felt so tired ~.~ when I got back to my room, I succumbed to my lethargy and slept for two hours or so...... :(
Today, too , I had a productive Korean tutorial class :D We learned to give directions...... Given directions in any language class can be difficult <.< for German, I totallie can't give well...... but surprisingly, I kind of am able to speak in Korean to give directions.
For Thai class, I was kinda proud that I could read the dialogue which was fully in Thai script whereas the other people had difficulty reading :P sigh...... still need to learn more Thai on my own before I can shoot up in standard...
Since I missed sepak takraw today because I didn't know it was shifted one day earlier, I can go home tomorrow evening :) with Jonas and co.... happy ;D
My exams are coming in 2 weeks+'s time! ;___; HARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
okay :) goodbye~ there's block supper later to celebrate the IBG players' hard work, but I don't know if I should go because I didn't really play. Fancy how that fucker is glamourised in the blog post. Piece of Shit. Respect = 0.
I guess I have met the jerky part of university so far... I'm thankful for the friends I have from SCAMP :'( Otherwise my life would have been OH-SO TERRIBLE.
Like -_-'l| depressed state, omg
There, I've chosen to curse instead of ignoring these Jurks. Sigh...... Sorry, O Lord. what toxic thoughts...... ~.~
seriouslie, people who lack the ability to reflect upon themselves, their actions or even just reflect should expire. Don't corrupt this world with your lack of EQ and hurt others.
Fancy posting an invitation to -cough- everyone who has ever kicked a ball to JUST come down, especially junior players. Fuck you. You just need an adequate number of people who can play at a good standard, not just anyone who has ever kicked a ball. Fucking hypocrite.
So, what, I may not play sepak takraw this time? I bet I will "suck" even more. Fuck you.
i'm still up doing my readings for the GEK module. i can totallie NOT understand =.=
i was thinking about universitie... i mean, what do i reallie wanna study?
it will be foolhardy to just take up modules that have "language" in their names. and i can't stand readings.
okay. maybe apart from chemistry, i should take up language modules and SOME linguistic modules...... perhaps i should just throw the thoughts of studying linguistics as a full-time subject away. besides, linguistics and languages are, properly speaking, two distinct studies. although i'm verie curious in the linguistic connections between different languages... and of course pedagogy of languages. after all, i'm for the advancement of knowledge ^_^
i'm thinking of dropping the GEK module u.u it's like an alien subject. Dr Lo, HELP! the subject seems beyond me... by dropping, i can save an S/U option. by NOT dropping... i will have to spend the S/U option whether i get S or U at the end, plus i'll have to suffer for the whole semester doing multipaged readings and fieldwork :( but i'll get 4 extra MCs ^_^ so i can graduate earlier if i keep this up.
but would dropping it be a better alternative, still? i mean, i can see the future where my workload is tremendously relieved. i can also focus more on my language modules ^^ and there's more time for my core modules.
sadlie, dropping it now would mean that i will get a W grade :( and i'll waste 1 bid point and i won't get extra 4 MCs... fug lah.
then again, i have until 2 more weeks to decide if i wanna drop, so probablie i'll stay on for a while longer :(
great God, please bless this pathetic person! steven, are you doing well? :( Samuel
that's onlie assuming you ARE a THIEF, i.e. an asshole who found my iphone and then decides to keep it for himself. fuck you.
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spikedog123
Samuel Tan Yuan Han
4th January 1993
spikedog123@hotmail.com
Loves <33
eating liquorice
eating sashimi
eating ice-cream
nice, handsome and smart people ^^ LINE
Wishes
Earn $1000 in 2012 (27 Mar 13) Have five tutees LOL (10 Aug 14) Pick up a new language (25 Nov 12) Dye mah hair ^^ (?? Feb 12)
Find a girlfriend
Have 20/20 vision Fix my teeth (03 Nov 16)
Have a haircut (04 Mar 2015)
Have a haircut (23 Jun 2015)
Have a haircut (31 Oct 2015)
Have a haircut (30 Dec 2015)
Have a haircut (04 Feb 2016)
Have a haircut (10 May 2016)
Have a haircut (13 Jul 2016)
Have my hair dyed (14 Jul 2016)
Have a haircut (21 Oct 2016)
Have a haircut (09 Mar 2017)
