honestlie, i'm feeling tired and lazie to blog =x but i shall try to!
and i shall blog about the nice things onlie.
so...... on Friday (17 Nov), i woke up at a splendid time of 8+...... and as usual, i turned off my alarm clock and went back to sleep. and... i woke up at 10.30, missing maths lecture. dammit.
so i went back to sleep further...... and i had a korean final test at 2 pm...... and i woke up at 1.50 ^_^ frog my lurve.
LOL. i arrived at the venue at 2.10 D: sigh...... but in the end, i still managed to fill in everything lah, but some questions were rushed...... :(
then after korean, i went for physical chemistrie lecture...... AND WENT HOME YEEPEE!!! CLUBBBBEHHHH :D
i'm supposed to bring someone i got to know from an online forum to the club :D we arranged to meet at 10 at chinatown station...... and. i had a nightmare.
i woke up at. 10+. oh. my. goodness.
i was feeling like shit, for sure, because i wasn't sure if i should go =.= but i can't leave him in the lurch... so i quicklie put on my contact lenses, took my IC care and emptied my unemptied bag, leaving my wallet inside and put on my socks and shoes and left........................... SIGH. i didn't know i could sleep for 2 hours =.=
so right, i reached chinatown station at 10.54 pm :( while the free entry offer... i don't know when it ends also. at 10.30 pm? :( and i hate paying for the entrance fee
i was supposed to go with the canadian-korean dude but he was nowhere to be seen... so i left for the club first to see if i could still get free entry :(
so i speed-walked there... reached at 11.03 pm :( and HC said it was highly unlikelie that there would be free entrie...
thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, i asked the beng bodyguard in a small-boy voice, "still got free entrie mah? :(" and then the SHUAI JIEJIE was there :DDD so the beng bodyguard pointed to the shuai jiejie and she gestured to me to show her my ic... she was smiling in a way while looking at my ic...... oh my, how attractive :( it's as if she's thinking, "hmm............ i'm gonna let you get the free entry stamp, you cute boy :)" LOL. not sure about that :x but she looked at my IC for like 5 full seconds o_O while the bui bodyguard did the "calm down" actions to me LOL. damn farnie... it's like a sort of intimate treatment, they
it's like only. it resembles. what am i thinking for it to be true, right? x)
so i was happie ^_^ free entrie :DD
i then went to look for that forum guy...... geez, he's not replying my messages lah. irritating. but in the end i saw him and i brought him to the club and he had to pay for the entrance fee :( but neeway, i brought him to 7-11 because he wanted to drink o_O then, i wanted to bring him to HC's workplace but i didn't give him ant discrete information about the nature of that place so he was reallie scared and decided to go back to the club instead LOL. it was 11.30+ le.
so we were sitting at the club...... while he got a gin-tonic o_O and i got plain water ^^v so we communicated via Notes on our iphones LOL. you type one line, i type one line :D
yeap. anyway, i must say that this week's session was a verie nice one :) i was verie satisfied!
firstlie, good music was played :D and then...... woooooooo
i saw shuai jiejie stamping some people's arms outside the club with a smile past 12 am :( connections?
okay, at 1 am++, we were sitting at the seats facing the couch area at the far end...... and to my left were a group of people o_O kinda like 20++++++++++ yo de.
YA. so there was this handsome guy in a colourful shirt (like my multi-coloured one) who "tripped" over my shoe and apologised. and then he came back and touched my leg D: like my thigh area close to my ..................... OH MYYYYYYYY APOJGPAOJSFGPOJASG
LOL. then he offered me a drink...... well, i smelt it and it smelled BAD. like BEER or something. but he persisted in asking me to try and so i SIPPED and UCSKAFPAOSJFP OJASF YUCKS! what a disgusting black liquid. while forum guy had more to drink LOL. DISGUSTING LARHHHHHSSS. then he also ruffled my hair a little (not to make messie, but to caress that sort...... with a lower-than-usual ruffling speed)
ya right, so that group of people got a woman and another guy also. take note that they looked 20 +++++++++++ years old :x and then the other guy with a short haircut offered me another drink........... my goodness. can't anyone offer me a good lime drink? =3=
so i tried anyway and yucks...... and that guy said the woman wanted to make me drunk LOL.
the woman asked for my age :D and she was asking loudlie, "TWENTY?" -shakes head- and then i used my fingers to give her the number...... 19 lor. i'm nineteen! i'm not that old yet! :(
the guy asked for my name too... but i just put two fingers to my lips to show that i can't say :( and he was okay with it :x
haha okay. :) so that's a group of people!
kinda think i'm getting used to alcohol... o_O
there was another group of people...... they asked me to take a photo for them...... and so i did. and they thanked me and one of them said he loves me. LOL
so when the club was gonna end liao, they came to look for me. OH MY. they said what this guy is interested in me. why, thank you ^^
and they asked for my name...... and i was quiet and one guy suggested "Mark" and they asked if i knew him LOL. i nodded. kay lah, lame.
that guy put his ear to my mouth and i said "cannot say..."
"his name is cannot-say" LOL
kay lah. one of them who looked kinda handsome had his face a little close to mine and when the club lights shone on it, i could see the truth. flaws and not verie handsome eh LOL
:P
yeap, so that's another group of people!
i saw HC's neighbour and the malay boys who accompanie him...... LOL. them again! but the blonde-haired guy wasn't there! :(
there were two big-sized guys who walked past and they saw my best shirt ever, and they gave me a thumbs up LOL. :D!!!
and of course, there were people dancing so well in front of me :D for everyone to see!
when the club session ended and i was leaving, there were two guys who approached to ask if i were local...... not again, right? -_-
i asked "why?" in a shie demeanour ............... ya. anyway, i think that's the onlie group of people i may have offended that session LOL :P sorrie.
i wish i could have sucha session again when i go again :((
i went to HC's workplace after the session... so walking walking after leaving the club, i was behind this group of three people, one of whom was looking at me so manie times in the club. they were talking about going to ...... a VARIANT of HC's workplace. geez.
that made me wonder...... if i were to lead a "life" in Singapore, must I subscribe to that sort of activities that these people engage in — going to $@wners? sigh...... i don't want to subscribe to a life against my principles.
while waiting for him to come down to pick me, there's this disgusting man who kept on looking at me and making lizard sounds at me. i think i was just cruised LOL. he was walking towards me and almost put his hands around me but thanks to my quick reflexes, i dodged his arms.
HC cooked manie fishballs for me ^_^...... and then the boy who ^^ me came o_O LOL so i just chatted and joked with him...... till the morning when we took the train back to boonkeng and walked to HC's place.
HC bought me a plasma lamp .__. LOL. and i played with it with some coins and metal stuff :P it's cool! i got a current established between the coin and my finger... a visible, plasma current-thingie.
HC cooked delicious pasta too, man :D but i was SOOOO TIRED that i couldn't have another plate...... i also didn't feel well in my stomach :( so the bw^^m took a cab back with me ^^
i reached home, settled my problem, removed my lenses, bathed, and then went to sleep.............. geez!
:)
yup, that's my day in general. it was an enjoyable time for everything i've blogged about in this post!
i hope the next time i go to the club, it can be a good experience too :( and handsome jiejie, i wish to get to know you! :(
so, i just had my Thai oral exam...... :(
it was bad! BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
-not gonna type thai because i don't know how to-
LOL
neeway, i'm A LITTLE FREE NOW but i have things to do. there's this false sense of being free. very false.
:(
oh, i couldn't sleep! i was awake from 7 pm like that last night until 10 am+++ the next day...... totallie lethargic. but i couldn't sleep.
you know the feeling of being too tired to sleep? :\
i wanted to sleep from 4 am to 6 am too but i couldn't, not even when i was imagining things...
maybe it's because i was wearing jeans =.= so no cool air to caress my thighs, causing me to stay awake.
yeap.
i got an "Excellent" score of 93 for my CM1111 mid-term exams ^^
oh, how i wish i can disable this touch pad. i keep on accidentallie touching it =.= and my typing cursor goes elsewhere. BEEACH.
gays are an abomination by my cruel, human words
since usagi-san said i should update my blog more often because he reads it, i shall try to!
you know, based on the concept of (drug) tolerance and withdrawal, i wonder if i should think of people that often. there will always come a point where thinking about them doesn't have an effect anymore because my body is accustomed to the high level of pleasure thinking about them...... then i'll look for other sources which are bad :(
maybe i should think of different people at different times? will that help?
i don't know :\
wonder if steven is doing well. my steven...... with ace who's taking great care of you? C:
and i'm sorry for my prejudice. it's just from the religious point of view, but i will always listen to what you say.
okay, i just disabled it :x idiotic. ARGHS NOW I CAN'T SCROLL.
silly that i undid the effect of things u.u won't anyone see me as a person and forgive me?
u.u if i were to change, i would like someone to change me. you?.............
kay. time to stop bah. i hope the next blogpost will be better.
1912 i just checked out my blog statistics and it says there were views from France before.
Samuel were you reading my blog? :(
yesterday (12 Nov), I woke up at 3 am++ suddenlie D: i needed to do GEK stuff...... OH MAYYYYYHHHHHHH.
yea, needed to come up with my slides for our presentation in the afternoon... the horror. and now we have journal 3 whose appendix............. i cannot fathom. sigh.
and, uh, Dr Lo gave a review lecture on what will be tested...... linguistic theories? whhhhhhhhhaaaatt? OH MY GOD, I HAVE NO BUTT IDEA.
I can remember scientific theories more, but THIS? OH MY.
I scared I fail this module onlie =.= then i would have been wasting my time, an S/U option and also gave myself undue stress this whole semester. seriouslie LOL.
God! What should I do?
neeway, our presentation went overtime...... by a LOT. Dr Lo was signalling to me for us to stop D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: you know the feeling of helplessness? z_z
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeotch. sigh. on the shuttle bus back to my hall, i encountered the french guy who was learning Chinese ^^ so i just talked to him about Chinese...
yea. i went back to my room and whatsapp-ed my father to ask if he could fetch me home. luckilie he was free!
i was feeling tired from the lack of rest ~.~ and because it's someone's birthday (someone who ^^ me), i thought i should make him happie for once! something like a social escort...... minus the sex part. just like steven when he socialised with people at the club!
we agreed on nihon mura at hougang plaza ^_^
i waited for him for ......................... minutes. LOL. Was feeling bored and all :@ but he arrived finallie!
:) he started by ordering food enthusiasticallie!!! and in the end, he became full verie quicklie :@ LOL
and he had to leave half-way! what the! but okay, i was boundlesslie patient :)
so i just ate alone at nihon mura...... until they were taking their last orders when i ordered mah desserts. they said they didn't have mochi... but there was some on the conveyor belt. i took a plate and smelt and touched the black sesami one. then i put it back on the conveyor belt LOL
ANYWAY, I HAD A DELICIOUS AFFAIR :B IKA SASHIMI, SALMON SASHIMI, MUSSELS MENTAI DUNNOE-WHAT-IT-IS-CALLED. oh my. my mouth :( i want to eat right now!
:( :( :( but service was slow that day. in the end, some dishes did not come...... :(
geez, i seriouslie feel like going back to eat again o_O sherlyn meimei! :P
but now they increased the price lor... $28.80++ :(
and the manager let me take as much hokkaido ice-cream as i wanted :P even though it was past the last order and past the stated closing time...... WOO!
so i had a total of 8 little cups :P 2 chocolate-flavoured (which didn't taste that nice) and 6 vanilla-flavoured ones!
i wish i had the complexion of the ice-cream when i "spread" the ice-cream with the spoon :( smooth~ LOL
arghs, i want to eat :( but expensive $$$$$$$$
before i went out, i thought i was singing great ^_^ singing until verie shuang :B singing love song by big bang...... and other songs.
even as i was walking to nihon mura, i was singing a happy birthday song...... part of making someone happie, right?
AND I SANG WELL :( but when he appeared, my voice just quacked. sigh. but okay lah, i think he liked it LOL
i chanced upon / came across certain profiles and in the people's videos, they were singing...... wooo... so that inspired me lah! some more my voice so good, why not sing, right? ^^
i actuallie photo-boothed my singing of love song but it's too soft. and if they music plays, my voice just tends to the song's pitch. GRR :@
GRR!@#!@#!@ i should record a piece without music! :P
Kay. Enough le. Goodbye!
Happy Eighteenth birthday, Amos! 生日快乐！ actuallie should be happy belated birthday, right LOL
Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag! 생일 축하합니다! Selamat hari jadi! And happy birthday in Japanese and Thai which I can't type on my MacBook Pro 8D LOL.
enjoy your sweet 18 :)
i brought home 7 of the eight ice-cream spoons, by the way ;D
Samuel
for once, i did a MasteringChemistry assignment on my own! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
LOL. neeway, i'm still awake at this hour :(
i still have two important things on my plate to finish up......
1. edit pim's essay
2. do my GEK SHEET.
:( :(
arghs beetch GEK. hate doing projects =.=
PROJECTS UGHS.
neeway, what's up with me latelie?
for one, i haven't been thinking about people. not caring, in fact. so, i haven't been hurt recentlie. recentlie as in the past few days. FEW days.
arghs, sheet, I realised the youtube playlist html code is in my laptop in school =.=
:((
for two, OMG I SPENT HOURS AT A PLACE I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GO.
total crumbling of principles. i even helped clean up the place -_- i am so...... sigh
i went to the club on friday...... totallie just sat at the same spot for 2 hours ++ =.= LOL. without any friend to nudge me, i didn't move around at all :(
the music that day wasn't as fantastic as that on the past few fridays. disappointing!
joshie's friend was there o_O he offered me a lime drink :\
i tried it, AND IT TASTED GOOD O_O
usuallie i abhor alcoholic drinks because they're bitter as sheet. i can taste the slightest tinge of alcohol, but in that drink, i didn't taste it at all O.O
tastie and sour :s i liked it!
of course i was careful lah... so i drank like 2.5 cm x base area of that drink :s didn't reach the point of being very sick, lah
thanks dinosaur! :D
another person approached me and asked if i wasn't waiting for kyohei o_O aka HC.
yea, i wasn't. then he left LOL.
and got someone else who came and hugged me ARGHS. APFOJASPOFJPOQMGPOEMARHPOMAERH
oh no i am using too manie line breaks!
there's this guy who was sitting beside me facing me (because I sat near the corner) and he was drunk or feeling tired or something :x then he was sleeping and all... then the security guy spoke verie loudlie to him to tell him not to sleep :s
speaking of security guy, when i wanted to re-enter the club, the giant security guy refused to let me in! LOL. actuallie i was just gesturing to him that i wanted to enter but he just played along. then his female friend say i'm superman (coz i had a superman symbol on my shirt) then after a while after i said in a kiddie voice "i want to go innnn", he gave me a thumbs up and let me in LOL.
in the entrance passage, i thought i saw someone who looked familiar o_O could it have been him? maybe! handsome, though!
yup. and i saw some people. arghs. i can't shake the feeling that they're people who take advantage of people. but one of them must have been suggesting to someone sitting beside me if he wanted help in getting to know me. not clear, huh? never mind~
the clubbing session ended rather earlie o_O earlier than usual, anyway. it ended on time at 3+!
so i just went back to that dirty place and stayed there till the morning. i helped HC mop the floor omg. i should be driven with a stake.
oh yea, HC cooked reallie nice pasta :B IT WAS REALLIE DELICIOUS!
WHICH REMINDS ME THAT I HAD PASTAMANIA WITH SOMEONE! OH MY. chain memories LOL. and i'm tired :(
having a dilemma as to which song i should use for my blog now... monster or love song?
HC gave me 10 packets of rahbahdahkeys =.= which my mom found out about. my dad also knows now -_-
but they're cool about it o_O i mean they weren't malicious. they were jokeful, in fact. sigh......
my father said he walked the jianghus. 走过江湖. i was lying beside him on his bed.
he could accuratelie pinpoint the club i go to o_O beside the church and located in tanjong pagar.
he was right about what kind of club it was.
and of course he asked the question. i just kept quiet and left the room.
i hate how i crumble every time i feel not just sad, but hurt and heartbroken
i thought things were going well.
i can't type properlie.
happie times. not the past, but the recent time we interacted with each other.
in real life and over the telephone
do you reallie have no more feelings for me anymore? do you reallie not like me anymore?
are you absolutelie certain you have moved on?
even steven didn't. steven didn't move on. steven did, though, in the end.
are you absolutelie certain that you have no more feelings for me? are you that good? did i mean nothing?
lol i'm back in my vicious cycle. i know i'm structured based on the support of others. i need other people to lift me from the mud. you must hate that i'm in the mud. but i was getting out of it a few days ago before you caused me to plummet and sink into the mud again.
i should move on, right? i can't kill those feelings for you. to neutralise them, i think i'll need to hate you. i need to be a heartless fucker who shall no longer give a shit about your situation. i shall leave you be and let you rot. other people may be using your photos for malicious purposes WHICH YOU DO NOT KNOW OF, but i shall not give a shit. that's your own fucking problem. must it boil down to this sort of treatment of the situation in order for me to move on?
i'll most probablie hurt you, but it's to make you hate me too. you have no more feelings for me anyway, right? so you won't feel hurt. instead, you'll feel angrie. that's when i know you trulie have no more feelings for me, and i can move on.
0246
0252
it's sad how things have to come to this. i didn't want this to happen, but i'm out of choices.
honestly, i'm thinking hard of how i should substantiate my actions. will i be like yong kiong? but you won't gaf anyway. i'm not a normal friend. lol.
and fuck all you people who type Lol to me. show your disdain or speechlessness elsewhere, not in my face.
and people who ask questions without question marks, FUCK YOU IF YOU AREN'T INTERESTED IN ASKING ANYWAY. ZIP YOUR FEIGNED INTEREST.
but if you guys do so without those intentions as mentioned, then all these aren't directed at you ^_^ so let your conscience do the talking.
move on, right? i guess after publishing this blog post, i will.
because that's when i clear all ambiguity and confront all the unanswered questions. i answer those questions myself. "do you still have feelings for me?"
"am i reallie a normal friend?"
"are you actuallie still interested in guys but you don't want rejected goods?"
whatever. none of my business.
i wonder if i have become like lawrence, though. heartless fucking bastard.
I went to the club on Friday night (21 Oct) BECAUSE CCA WAS CANCELLED YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The friend I went along with told me to walk around the club to see which person i'm interested in. so I was walking around and ......
I'm torn between typing properlie and casuallie T.T
cough. okay. Pardon that I'm not typing in a consistent style LOL.
SO. I was walking around and I noticed this guy in white standing in the shadows. like reallie. and i saw ms LEOW and she talked to me. I told her I was trying to hook up someone, I think. LOL.
So I told her I'm interested in knowing that shuai ge at the corner D:
SO RIGHT, SHE pulled my arm towards that guy... and I was pharking paiseh lah. like epic shyness eruption. LIKE SERIOUSLIE.
WHY AM I SO SHY :( but it's okay, i'm like that... u.u
anyway, i was freaking shy but i managed to get his number. so we stood beside each other and chatted via whatsapp.
what the phrog, right? LOL. the club was reallie noisie :( and i have like bad hearing...... u.u
plus i was damn shy TnT i can't say enough :\ can't express adequatelie how shy i REALLIE was.
u.u
ya. so i turned him off eventuallie :(
so i failed reallie badlie and returned to my seat ^_^ my favourite seat to just listen to music and look at people :)
yea.
i saw some people whose profiles i've visited before. i even saw two twin brothers whose profile i've viewed before years ago. handsome! but i think one of them is unfaithful :x like look at other guys huh!
okay. so my friend and i stayed at the club until it was closing at around 3++...... 3.30? :)
he brought me somewhere to have supper...... i had 干炒河粉
after eating, we went to clarke quay...... like walked. we walked and walked and talked LOL.
we walked from clarke quay to dhoby ghaut and then to somerset :x and we went to McDonald's @ SCAPE and chatted lor......
then we walked to orchard...... LOL. okay. he was looking for a nursing room. we were at 313somerset and we got trapped in the nursing room LMAO. that was reallie hilarious :x because the open button didn't work from the inside...... he shouted for help and the indian cleaner outside opened the door from the outside :P
when it was 6 or so, we took a bus to bendemeer and he sent me off 147 with a hug ^^
and i crawled home to bathe and went to sleep~ i woke up with like no eyebags or dark eye circles =o temporarie joy ^_^
Samuel @ 3:12 am
and seriouslie phark the new blogger entry template. screwing up my blog posts -_-
it's been a long time. needless to say, i messed up MANY TIMES. as usual? yea.
as usual. just languishing in a vicious cycle.
i went to genting with dexus :) but i don't feel like blogging about it. maybe next time when i feel like it.
perhaps i'll give an update on my life at the moment?
One. I've recently joined an online "forum". YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, RIGHT?
Even though I told myself years ago that I would NEVER, EVER do that.
But I did. Perhaps it was out of desperation?
I'll be honest for once. I even took a picture of myself using my MacBook Pro and used it as a display picture.
I totally threw my principles away.
I'm supposed to be doing work ><
I'll be honest. I am trying being open. That's why I even made an account -___- in hopes of getting to know potential friends.
I'm still being secretive. I don't wish to associate myself with those people, you see. I don't want a single association.
The more I think about it, actually, the more I find it pointless to be there. I mean, there are certain good-looking people I wanna get to know but I think they're pretty established in their wrongful mindset of sexuality that there are bound to be ideological clashes and therefore ensuing disagreement and unhappiness.
Therefore, I think I need to stop this pointless pursuit at some point. But when?
I'm kinda sad. I suffered a breakup recently. I told him he would be my last boyfriend because I want to retire from this pointless lifestyle. I think I didn't get enough to really move on. Just not enough emotional comfort and satisfaction. I kinda screwed up.
I kinda hate him now. He said we should remain as friends, but he doesn't even treat me as a friend anymore. Even as a stranger, he replied my Facebook messages, but as a "friend", fucking-hell no replies. It wasn't a pleasant breakup. Not a pleasant ending.
At least Steven replied me with an Audition message that was a pleasant ending before he vanished. This person?
Two. I intend to head to the club on Fridays regularly. Wow. What a big step, a subscription, right? I'm kinda desperate.
Neeway, the only thing I do at the club is to listen to music and look at people. Just looking and imagining things. Kind of a waste of time, but it's free entry anyway.
But I have CCA on Fridays from 9 to 11 pm WHAT THE FARKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Since I don't intend to stay another year, I can actually heck it. LOL. Should I quit it now or later when I think I suck so much I'll be kicked out anyway? We'll see about that.
Three. I feel like being completely open. Perhaps I should make profiles on other dating sites? That's kinda risky...... Because I have flawed looks, too. Like compared to other people, I am EXTREMELY FLAWED. I also have some pictures on Facebook that I don't look good in.
All this is done so that I can ...... I can't, actually. I can't get the attention of some people. I also expose myself to the perverted eyes of more predators.
Actually, such a bold move stems from the fact that I want to renounce this lifestyle because it's pointless. Just totally stop this pointless shit that yields nothing emotionally satisfying, even though I've had a longing since I was in Primary Five. When I pursue heterosexuality, I wouldn't then have to give a single shit about people saying or thinking "oh, this person used to be gay!" because that will not matter at all.
Secularly, FUCK THOSE MOLESTORS _|_ you assholes are the cause that I'm like that.
So, should I try? Should I try exposing myself? Should I revamp myself to become like those people who look soooooooooo good in their pictures even though coincidentally they have many subscribers, the majority of whom are fucking perverts?
oops I forgot FQ reads my blog :x sorry for the vulgarities...
Kinda silly, though. I'm still secretive and hold on to certain principles like only accepting friend requests of people whom I know. Not for me, huh.
Okay. Maybe I'll think about it?
still having reservations, though. .......................
Samuel and fuck the new blogger layout
i was reflecting in the shower
thinking about why i am this way
why!
and thinking about what i want
i think i know what i want
whenever i think about people whom i had developed an emotional attachment to who brutally, perhaps one of whom necessarily, just chopped this tie away and left my heart to bleed, i know for sure they, or what they could provide, were what i wanted.
even after so long (?), it hurts whenever i think about them.
it just seems that with this thing that i want, hopefully when i get enough of it, i can give it up. give up this life entirely.
i want affection from someone older. c'mon, i'm not too bad-looking, i'm not uneducated, although i am socially unable......
and this is in the emotional realm. based in the emotional realm.
this yearning for years......
i don't wish to subscribe to the general way of doing things. i don't belong to the general section. i'm more than that.
it hurts )';
anyway, i'm thankful for beloved brothers in Christ who are here for me for the righteous thing. thank you all. thank you for your love. thank you, friends, who also love me. without your support, i would probably just crash and burn... and i don't mean support what i do. i mean supporting me when i feel depressed and shit
thank You that i am still alive. thank You for Your love.
i feel a little x__x sleepie... i initially had many things in mind to blog about, but i shall blog as much as i can bah...
first stupid thing i wanna blog about is my deteriorating eyesight -_-
blardie butt, i find myself facing my laptop for long durations of time......
was typing an email to my korean tutor D: spent like an hour doing so. LOL.
then previouslie i also spent like more than half a day doing my GEK module's assignment 1...... omggggggggggggggggggggggggg aogiajgpojf
anyway, let's talk about thursday! which was yesterday
i attended mah inorganic chemistry lecture... 2 hours! actuallie it's 1 hr 35 mins according to policie :P
and then i went for thai lecture...... there was a listening test :(
i didn't reallie get the instructions — cannot write on paper during the playing? LOL...... so i REALLIE DIDN'T understand the instructions and just penned down my answers when it was all over. so aajaarn was rushing me to hand in politely LOL. aajaarn by the way means professor in thai ^^
okay lah. i'd say my proficiency and comprehension in thai is improving (?) sigh......
next, i had korean tutorial! i thought it was reallie productive :)
i don't remember specificallie what grammar was supposed to be taught in the chapters we were revising...... but we practised speaking a lot!!! at the end of the lesson, i asked Ms Park (aka seonsaengnim) some grammar question... D: that was around 1.40 lidat
when i checked mah email at 2++, i realised she sent me a LONG email to explain the grammar we were talking about...
what DEDICATION, no? what helpfulness...... -touched-
after korean, i went to have lunch at da science faculty canteen :) had steamed chicken... which is basicallie ayam panggang o_O speaking of ayam panggang...... x(
neeway, i went to look for jonas and esmond at da science library. cough cough someone was sleeping..... who was supposed to teach me maths :(
i went for maths at 3 pm! again, the tutor .....................................
neeway, i chose to treat things differentlie this time. instead of lamenting, i chose to respect that he IS a teacher, HE possesses the expertise and therefore deserves our respect. after class, i approached him to ask some questions... i tried speaking in chinese :D when he spoke in chinese, information was better communicated ^^ he may not be good in English, but he sure can teach (or communicate ideas) better in his native language. i also got to learn some terms like negative, positive, expansion, differentiation, integration — ALL in chinese. although i don't remember the last two lah LOL
so we bade farewell after someeee long time. helpful person indeed!
in the lift going down, i was thiking about language use...... do you know the term for differentiation in chinese? it seems to make more sense in chinese about what HAPPENS in differentation. in english, you just see an arbitrarie word "differentiation". does it tell you anything about what you do when you differentiate? hardlie.
anyway, i'm thankful for all the people who have called out to me ^o^ like when they see me around in school, they call out to me even when i didn't notice them; when they bade farewell to me, saying my name even though i've never spoken to them before. is this about recognition? was it the social recognition that comforted me?
i'm sure we all yearn for attention. we should give it when it's due. likewise, i should give attention to the maths tutor (e.g. by communicating with him in chinese) or do i make no sense LOL
SCREW THE NEW BLOGGER LAYOUT -___________-
okay. shall blog another time :D
seeya again, david archie :(
Samuel
okay, so i thought i should post after studying for a while. been studying... i never thought i would actually borrow a thick textbook out of a science library and study the content...... for the same content taught during lecture, i could have learnt and understood better from the textbook <.< blardie hell......
anyway, about me. i'm still hurt from the loss of my phone thanks to an immoral thief.
what's worse is that i've been feeling hurt this week.
the depressed kind of hurt. the suicidal ~.~ kind of hurt. yet i thank God i am still alive
it's more than relationship problems if there even officially exists one. it's how there is a lack of understanding. it feels like jc again. that sad social life.
the korean lecturer was prettie mean yesterday (18 Sep). I just walked away from her sarcasm and indifference. i went "fine" in my head. "fine. i can rely on myself." "fine, i don't need you" i choose not to allow my interest to be callously slaughtered.
i don't fit in here. life is terrible. there's also no one to fall back on. there's always misunderstanding. no effort made to clear them. fine. i don't care either.
terrible feeling................. terrible, terrible feeling it weakens my heart, affects my dental health......
i see how adam young, the force behind owl city, shares a condition that i have. i see his awkward face in his latest video with carly rae jespen... how forced he might have been i feel some comfort, but...... i wish not to share this condition
i am so fucking in pain. emotional pain as you might have guessed i shall not turn to the ugly, sinful company for comfort. back off.
sad sam...... ....................................................................... i'm in urgent need of emotional support, otherwise i may be forced into masochism again. so hurt so hurt so hurt so hurt so hurt x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x(
I have a certain gripe for Candy Empire products......
1) OVERPRICED 2) SOUR CANDIES ARE NOT THAT sour :@
Anyway, I spent a bomb buying some liquorice candy...... xD Two packets. One is the usual Haribo Apple "extra sour" sour noodles...... LOL. The one with the picture of a chef with a plate of what looks like green spaghetti :D
The other packet is TANGY ZANGY SOUR STRAWBERRY FLAVOURED STICKS MADE WITH 5% APPLE JUICE CONCENTRATE The one which I am eating now :D YUMYUM!
Before I bought the candy, I was snooping around Candy Empire at VivoCity surreptitiously observing the social environment, the language usage of the shoppers, shop assistants and whatnot...... Fieldwork, yo
OMG I LOVE THE LIQUORICE XD but it's so expensive :( Right now, I even feel that my tongue is slightly corroded...... D:
Anyway, today I went to see Dr Leonard regarding Physical Chemistry...... for two hours! I actually got sapped of my energy and felt so tired ~.~ when I got back to my room, I succumbed to my lethargy and slept for two hours or so...... :(
Today, too , I had a productive Korean tutorial class :D We learned to give directions...... Given directions in any language class can be difficult <.< for German, I totallie can't give well...... but surprisingly, I kind of am able to speak in Korean to give directions.
For Thai class, I was kinda proud that I could read the dialogue which was fully in Thai script whereas the other people had difficulty reading :P sigh...... still need to learn more Thai on my own before I can shoot up in standard...
Since I missed sepak takraw today because I didn't know it was shifted one day earlier, I can go home tomorrow evening :) with Jonas and co.... happy ;D
My exams are coming in 2 weeks+'s time! ;___; HARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
okay :) goodbye~ there's block supper later to celebrate the IBG players' hard work, but I don't know if I should go because I didn't really play. Fancy how that fucker is glamourised in the blog post. Piece of Shit. Respect = 0.
I guess I have met the jerky part of university so far... I'm thankful for the friends I have from SCAMP :'( Otherwise my life would have been OH-SO TERRIBLE.
Like -_-'l| depressed state, omg
There, I've chosen to curse instead of ignoring these Jurks. Sigh...... Sorry, O Lord. what toxic thoughts...... ~.~
seriouslie, people who lack the ability to reflect upon themselves, their actions or even just reflect should expire. Don't corrupt this world with your lack of EQ and hurt others.
Fancy posting an invitation to -cough- everyone who has ever kicked a ball to JUST come down, especially junior players. Fuck you. You just need an adequate number of people who can play at a good standard, not just anyone who has ever kicked a ball. Fucking hypocrite.
So, what, I may not play sepak takraw this time? I bet I will "suck" even more. Fuck you.
i'm still up doing my readings for the GEK module. i can totallie NOT understand =.=
i was thinking about universitie... i mean, what do i reallie wanna study?
it will be foolhardy to just take up modules that have "language" in their names. and i can't stand readings.
okay. maybe apart from chemistry, i should take up language modules and SOME linguistic modules...... perhaps i should just throw the thoughts of studying linguistics as a full-time subject away. besides, linguistics and languages are, properly speaking, two distinct studies. although i'm verie curious in the linguistic connections between different languages... and of course pedagogy of languages. after all, i'm for the advancement of knowledge ^_^
i'm thinking of dropping the GEK module u.u it's like an alien subject. Dr Lo, HELP! the subject seems beyond me... by dropping, i can save an S/U option. by NOT dropping... i will have to spend the S/U option whether i get S or U at the end, plus i'll have to suffer for the whole semester doing multipaged readings and fieldwork :( but i'll get 4 extra MCs ^_^ so i can graduate earlier if i keep this up.
but would dropping it be a better alternative, still? i mean, i can see the future where my workload is tremendously relieved. i can also focus more on my language modules ^^ and there's more time for my core modules.
sadlie, dropping it now would mean that i will get a W grade :( and i'll waste 1 bid point and i won't get extra 4 MCs... fug lah.
then again, i have until 2 more weeks to decide if i wanna drop, so probablie i'll stay on for a while longer :(
great God, please bless this pathetic person! steven, are you doing well? :( Samuel
i've been verie @@ latelie...... i mean, i had my Basic Translation lecture yesterday... and it was sooooo damnnn ?_? ??????? i don't know if i should drop it or not...... LOL.
and as for my Korean lecture...... because I used some grammar probablie taught in Korean 3, she said she wanted to see me after class...... :( already, I can't take Thai 1...... because I can apparentlie write in phonetic symbols easily, translate phonetic symbols to the Thai script and also know the writing and pronunciation rules...... at least much more proficient than people in Thai 1. some of my friends said i shouldn't have integrity when it comes to nus...... like i shouldn't have taken the placement test so that i could take Thai 1 and own people...... surelie the school isn't that toxic! and surelie being true to myself is honorable yet unfoolish...
perhaps this is what is meant by trusting in Him. .....................................................................................
Anyway, I shall share about myself in relation to what I am generally doing now...
I'm an official student of the National University of Singapore ^_^ also known as NUS with each letter pronounced separately. or at least I think I am... LOL
So far, the modules I have been allocated are Inorganic Chemistry 1 (coded as CM1111), Physical Chemistry 1 (CM1131), Basic Applied Mathematics for Sciences (MA1421), Korean 2 (LAK2201), Basic Translation (CL2280) and Language and the Preservation of Culture (GEK1058).
In essence, the chemistry modules and the maths module are my core modules which I am forced to take. The other three were chosen by me happily without a clue of what to expect ^_^
Basic Translation is a Chinese Language module...... because I haven't been speaking Mandarin, I am being like a piece of 大便. The worse part is that I think there are MANY Chinese students taking that module too...... and since the grading goes by the BELL CURVE, I.E. STANDARDISATION, I am going to BITE THE DUST.
a.k.a. 死定了.
Also, I have taken a look at the workbin of the GEK module...... oh my goodness. As an anti-humanities student, I am so discouraged by the number of readings I have to look at......
God, please give me the joy of studying!
As for Korean, I took the placement test and I was allocated Korean 2 (i.e. level 2) but the lecturer on Monday asked why I did not go to Korean 3...... Is it a good thing? I don't know. That would mean I may be missing stuff taught in the lower levels like the origin of Hangul...... my goodness. Similarly, I took the Thai placement test and PROBABLY should belong to Thai 2, but the Thai 2 lecture clashes with my Korean tutorial...... yet, I can't take Thai 1 because I, as I have previously mentioned, am too pro...ficient than the Thai 1 students.
Suckssssssssssssssssssss. If the following scenario could happen, things might be better: be allocated Korean 3 instead so that there's no Korean 2 tutorial to clash with the Thai 2 lecture, which would mean I can take Korean 3 and Thai 2 (and probably drop the translation module LOL) :D!!! Because I think I might have the proficiency of a Korean 2 student already... I looked at the syllabus and the grammar that will be taught. I could even see the Korean words in hanja: 과거형 过去形 which means past tense...... Suppose I am not promoted, does that make me one of those pesky people who intentionally exploit the lower-level modules to get good grades?
Suppose the lecture decides to sentence me to drop the module, WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN TO ME HUH? May I be able to achieve the scenario I have hoped with no penalties and minimal administrative trouble, or will everything just crash to the ground and burn?
You see my predicament......
Okay lah. I believe the good Lord will not forsake me......
I hope, too, that my hall life would be fruitful ^_^ wish me all the best!
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spikedog123
Samuel Tan Yuan Han
4th January 1993
spikedog123@hotmail.com
Loves <33
eating liquorice
eating sashimi
eating ice-cream
nice, handsome and smart people ^^ LINE
Wishes
Earn $1000 in 2012 (27 Mar 13) Have five tutees LOL (10 Aug 14) Pick up a new language (25 Nov 12) Dye mah hair ^^ (?? Feb 12)
Find a girlfriend
Have 20/20 vision Fix my teeth (03 Nov 16)
Have a haircut (04 Mar 2015)
Have a haircut (23 Jun 2015)
Have a haircut (31 Oct 2015)
Have a haircut (30 Dec 2015)
Have a haircut (04 Feb 2016)
Have a haircut (10 May 2016)
Have a haircut (13 Jul 2016)
Have my hair dyed (14 Jul 2016)
Have a haircut (21 Oct 2016)
Have a haircut (09 Mar 2017)
