Four-hundred-thirty-eighth Post

hey. just to update shortly about myself.
what's new? vicious cycle. i'm seriouslie a victim of withdrawal. i hate seeing bad things. apart from that, i've been revising... because my final exams are tomorrow onwards. my revision has been HEAVILY distracted though.


but the main thing of this post shall be this.

i realised the crunchieroll account is stephanie's! i checked out the guestbooks of her friends and hers... tracking conversations like a stalker. i have honed stalker skills, sadlie from doing bad things in the past
so, it's always nice to see the way she types. oh, take note i'm reading year 2009 comments.

i want to apologise. i want to express my regret.
I'm sorry, Stephanie, for the mean things I have done to you. I was really stupid. I remember how I must have put you off by my stupid, vulgar SMS-es when you returned from overseas. Oh, I wish I could ______ myself for that action. I am sorry. Will you please forgive me?

I wish we could reconnect... perhaps in this age of technology or even as we progress into adulthood, we could, but that will largely depend on choice and chance. I must have been seen as a thorn the last time we communicated, but I wish you can develop a new impression of me......

I'm sorry, Stephanie. Stephanie Yan. Grr, I shan't type anymore information about you. too revealing of my stalkerhood

I also realised I got some things wrong. I hate to remind you of unpleasant things... but. Hey. I remember from my conversation with you that papa yan left after steven :\ and that steven begged daryl not to your parents. but in your conversation with ichijoukirei, you said papa yan left when you were 9...
which enrages me even more that he would take advantage of the absence of your dad to hurt and scar.


it's always emotional to check out conversations or any information about the yan family. i shall blog enough for this post

I'm sorry, Steph. I hope you will forgive me of my mistakes.

Samuel

Labels: sorry

Four-hundred-thirty-seventh Post

I had been thinking about the past again, reliving the past thoughts and etc.

thinking about steven. just closing my eyes and burying my head under my bolster and pillow

imagining we were at the bus stop opposite of heartland mall.
just talking. sitting at the stone seats.
i held his hand suddenly. we talked. or i spoke, more accuratelie.

hey. i see that your face has some scars now... did you scratch your acne? don't scratch anymore, okay?

you know. i pray for you once in a while, but regularlie. i always pray that you are alright, that your familie is. i pray that you are living happilie with ace. i pray that you aren't doing anything bad like "dancing". i know that i can't stop you from doing some things like rescuing children, i know i can't, but i pray for you every time that you will be safe. i wonder if you think of me sometimes too like how i always think of you. i wonder if you will understand me, understand why i did some things.
and all this while, i was holding your hand as i teared into my bed
i wonder how things would have been different had we met. we could have met on a few occasions. we could have met on some day where you came to my house but i was having CCA. you dropped me a letter, remember? i wanted to skip CCA...
and you just sat beside me on the stone seat, listening to me. my soliloquy
i know i'm ugly. all these years no one has wanted me. i'm ugly.
hugging my bolster tightly, i turned around and i said,
i will never let you fall out the bed... off the bed, i mean.

suddenlie, the significance of my exbf diminished so greatly. i didn't feel its impact or importance anymore. because what i feel now is the true, far greater importance of steven.

we had a special relationship. i thought of who you were, your background, your current activities then, your relationship with me, your submission towards me... your treatment towards me. these all defined our special relationship.

it's a relationship i think i can never get in singapore. maybe if i go to the philippines.

i want this special relationship. even though i most probably will never see you again, in order to fill this emotional void, i will have to have a special relationship


with this thought in mind, i looked up an application in the app store on my iphone. i got onto that page and stared at it for tens of seconds. i was wondering hard if i should download it. i knew what i wanted — this special relationship — so that downloading this would not be a problem anymore with my conscience. i knew what i wanted. alas, the screen turned black. because of inactivity.
and of course i considered my principles and my religion
i just put my phone under my pillow and hugged my bolster, wrapping myself in my zebra blanket.


i wonder what i should do x) perhaps i will download it. for a far higher goal

Samuel

Labels: thoughts

Four-hundred-thirty-sixth Post

honestlie, i'm feeling tired and lazie to blog =x but i shall try to!
and i shall blog about the nice things onlie.
so...... on Friday (17 Nov), i woke up at a splendid time of 8+...... and as usual, i turned off my alarm clock and went back to sleep. and... i woke up at 10.30, missing maths lecture. dammit.

so i went back to sleep further...... and i had a korean final test at 2 pm...... and i woke up at 1.50 ^_^ frog my lurve.

LOL. i arrived at the venue at 2.10 D: sigh...... but in the end, i still managed to fill in everything lah, but some questions were rushed...... :(

then after korean, i went for physical chemistrie lecture...... AND WENT HOME YEEPEE!!! CLUBBBBEHHHH :D


i'm supposed to bring someone i got to know from an online forum to the club :D we arranged to meet at 10 at chinatown station...... and. i had a nightmare.
i woke up at. 10+. oh. my. goodness.

i was feeling like shit, for sure, because i wasn't sure if i should go =.= but i can't leave him in the lurch... so i quicklie put on my contact lenses, took my IC care and emptied my unemptied bag, leaving my wallet inside and put on my socks and shoes and left........................... SIGH. i didn't know i could sleep for 2 hours =.=

so right, i reached chinatown station at 10.54 pm :( while the free entry offer... i don't know when it ends also. at 10.30 pm? :( and i hate paying for the entrance fee
i was supposed to go with the canadian-korean dude but he was nowhere to be seen... so i left for the club first to see if i could still get free entry :(
so i speed-walked there... reached at 11.03 pm :( and HC said it was highly unlikelie that there would be free entrie...

thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, i asked the beng bodyguard in a small-boy voice, "still got free entrie mah? :(" and then the SHUAI JIEJIE was there :DDD so the beng bodyguard pointed to the shuai jiejie and she gestured to me to show her my ic... she was smiling in a way while looking at my ic...... oh my, how attractive :( it's as if she's thinking, "hmm............ i'm gonna let you get the free entry stamp, you cute boy :)" LOL. not sure about that :x but she looked at my IC for like 5 full seconds o_O while the bui bodyguard did the "calm down" actions to me LOL. damn farnie... it's like a sort of intimate treatment, they
it's like only. it resembles. what am i thinking for it to be true, right? x)

so i was happie ^_^ free entrie :DD

i then went to look for that forum guy...... geez, he's not replying my messages lah. irritating. but in the end i saw him and i brought him to the club and he had to pay for the entrance fee :( but neeway, i brought him to 7-11 because he wanted to drink o_O then, i wanted to bring him to HC's workplace but i didn't give him ant discrete information about the nature of that place so he was reallie scared and decided to go back to the club instead LOL. it was 11.30+ le.

so we were sitting at the club...... while he got a gin-tonic o_O and i got plain water ^^v so we communicated via Notes on our iphones LOL. you type one line, i type one line :D

yeap. anyway, i must say that this week's session was a verie nice one :) i was verie satisfied!
firstlie, good music was played :D and then...... woooooooo
i saw shuai jiejie stamping some people's arms outside the club with a smile past 12 am :( connections?
okay, at 1 am++, we were sitting at the seats facing the couch area at the far end...... and to my left were a group of people o_O kinda like 20++++++++++ yo de.

YA. so there was this handsome guy in a colourful shirt (like my multi-coloured one) who "tripped" over my shoe and apologised. and then he came back and touched my leg D: like my thigh area close to my ..................... OH MYYYYYYYY APOJGPAOJSFGPOJASG
LOL. then he offered me a drink...... well, i smelt it and it smelled BAD. like BEER or something. but he persisted in asking me to try and so i SIPPED and UCSKAFPAOSJFP OJASF YUCKS! what a disgusting black liquid. while forum guy had more to drink LOL. DISGUSTING LARHHHHHSSS. then he also ruffled my hair a little (not to make messie, but to caress that sort...... with a lower-than-usual ruffling speed)
ya right, so that group of people got a woman and another guy also. take note that they looked 20 +++++++++++ years old :x and then the other guy with a short haircut offered me another drink........... my goodness. can't anyone offer me a good lime drink? =3=
so i tried anyway and yucks...... and that guy said the woman wanted to make me drunk LOL.
the woman asked for my age :D and she was asking loudlie, "TWENTY?" -shakes head- and then i used my fingers to give her the number...... 19 lor. i'm nineteen! i'm not that old yet! :(
the guy asked for my name too... but i just put two fingers to my lips to show that i can't say :( and he was okay with it :x
haha okay. :) so that's a group of people!
kinda think i'm getting used to alcohol... o_O
there was another group of people...... they asked me to take a photo for them...... and so i did. and they thanked me and one of them said he loves me. LOL
so when the club was gonna end liao, they came to look for me. OH MY. they said what this guy is interested in me. why, thank you ^^
and they asked for my name...... and i was quiet and one guy suggested "Mark" and they asked if i knew him LOL. i nodded. kay lah, lame.
that guy put his ear to my mouth and i said "cannot say..."
"his name is cannot-say" LOL
kay lah. one of them who looked kinda handsome had his face a little close to mine and when the club lights shone on it, i could see the truth. flaws and not verie handsome eh LOL
:P

yeap, so that's another group of people!

i saw HC's neighbour and the malay boys who accompanie him...... LOL. them again! but the blonde-haired guy wasn't there! :(

there were two big-sized guys who walked past and they saw my best shirt ever, and they gave me a thumbs up LOL. :D!!!

and of course, there were people dancing so well in front of me :D for everyone to see!

when the club session ended and i was leaving, there were two guys who approached to ask if i were local...... not again, right? -_-
i asked "why?" in a shie demeanour ............... ya. anyway, i think that's the onlie group of people i may have offended that session LOL :P sorrie.

i wish i could have sucha session again when i go again :((


i went to HC's workplace after the session... so walking walking after leaving the club, i was behind this group of three people, one of whom was looking at me so manie times in the club. they were talking about going to ...... a VARIANT of HC's workplace. geez.
that made me wonder...... if i were to lead a "life" in Singapore, must I subscribe to that sort of activities that these people engage in — going to $@wners? sigh...... i don't want to subscribe to a life against my principles.

while waiting for him to come down to pick me, there's this disgusting man who kept on looking at me and making lizard sounds at me. i think i was just cruised LOL. he was walking towards me and almost put his hands around me but thanks to my quick reflexes, i dodged his arms.

HC cooked manie fishballs for me ^_^...... and then the boy who ^^ me came o_O LOL so i just chatted and joked with him...... till the morning when we took the train back to boonkeng and walked to HC's place.

HC bought me a plasma lamp .__. LOL. and i played with it with some coins and metal stuff :P it's cool! i got a current established between the coin and my finger... a visible, plasma current-thingie.
HC cooked delicious pasta too, man :D but i was SOOOO TIRED that i couldn't have another plate...... i also didn't feel well in my stomach :( so the bw^^m took a cab back with me ^^

i reached home, settled my problem, removed my lenses, bathed, and then went to sleep.............. geez!

:)

yup, that's my day in general. it was an enjoyable time for everything i've blogged about in this post!

i hope the next time i go to the club, it can be a good experience too :( and handsome jiejie, i wish to get to know you! :(

Samuel 2347

Labels: 12unilife, clubbing

Four-hundred-thirty-fifth Post

hello~~~~~

so, i just had my Thai oral exam...... :(
it was bad! BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
-not gonna type thai because i don't know how to-

LOL

neeway, i'm A LITTLE FREE NOW but i have things to do. there's this false sense of being free. very false.

:(

oh, i couldn't sleep! i was awake from 7 pm like that last night until 10 am+++ the next day...... totallie lethargic. but i couldn't sleep.
you know the feeling of being too tired to sleep? :\
i wanted to sleep from 4 am to 6 am too but i couldn't, not even when i was imagining things...

maybe it's because i was wearing jeans =.= so no cool air to caress my thighs, causing me to stay awake.

yeap.
i got an "Excellent" score of 93 for my CM1111 mid-term exams ^^
oh, how i wish i can disable this touch pad. i keep on accidentallie touching it =.= and my typing cursor goes elsewhere. BEEACH.
gays are an abomination by my cruel, human words
since usagi-san said i should update my blog more often because he reads it, i shall try to!


you know, based on the concept of (drug) tolerance and withdrawal, i wonder if i should think of people that often. there will always come a point where thinking about them doesn't have an effect anymore because my body is accustomed to the high level of pleasure thinking about them...... then i'll look for other sources which are bad :(

maybe i should think of different people at different times? will that help?
i don't know :\
wonder if steven is doing well. my steven...... with ace who's taking great care of you? C:
and i'm sorry for my prejudice. it's just from the religious point of view, but i will always listen to what you say.
okay, i just disabled it :x idiotic. ARGHS NOW I CAN'T SCROLL.
silly that i undid the effect of things u.u won't anyone see me as a person and forgive me?
u.u if i were to change, i would like someone to change me. you?.............

kay. time to stop bah. i hope the next blogpost will be better.
1912 i just checked out my blog statistics and it says there were views from France before.
Samuel were you reading my blog? :(

Labels: 12unilife, exams

Four-hundred-thirty-fourth Post

hello~

yesterday (12 Nov), I woke up at 3 am++ suddenlie D: i needed to do GEK stuff...... OH MAYYYYYHHHHHHH.
yea, needed to come up with my slides for our presentation in the afternoon... the horror. and now we have journal 3 whose appendix............. i cannot fathom. sigh.

and, uh, Dr Lo gave a review lecture on what will be tested...... linguistic theories? whhhhhhhhhaaaatt? OH MY GOD, I HAVE NO BUTT IDEA.
I can remember scientific theories more, but THIS? OH MY.
I scared I fail this module onlie =.= then i would have been wasting my time, an S/U option and also gave myself undue stress this whole semester. seriouslie LOL.
God! What should I do?

neeway, our presentation went overtime...... by a LOT. Dr Lo was signalling to me for us to stop D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: you know the feeling of helplessness? z_z
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeotch. sigh. on the shuttle bus back to my hall, i encountered the french guy who was learning Chinese ^^ so i just talked to him about Chinese...
yea. i went back to my room and whatsapp-ed my father to ask if he could fetch me home. luckilie he was free!

i was feeling tired from the lack of rest ~.~ and because it's someone's birthday (someone who ^^ me), i thought i should make him happie for once! something like a social escort...... minus the sex part. just like steven when he socialised with people at the club!

we agreed on nihon mura at hougang plaza ^_^
i waited for him for ......................... minutes. LOL. Was feeling bored and all :@ but he arrived finallie!

:) he started by ordering food enthusiasticallie!!! and in the end, he became full verie quicklie :@ LOL
and he had to leave half-way! what the! but okay, i was boundlesslie patient :)

so i just ate alone at nihon mura...... until they were taking their last orders when i ordered mah desserts. they said they didn't have mochi... but there was some on the conveyor belt. i took a plate and smelt and touched the black sesami one. then i put it back on the conveyor belt LOL

ANYWAY, I HAD A DELICIOUS AFFAIR :B IKA SASHIMI, SALMON SASHIMI, MUSSELS MENTAI DUNNOE-WHAT-IT-IS-CALLED. oh my. my mouth :( i want to eat right now!
:( :( :( but service was slow that day. in the end, some dishes did not come...... :(
geez, i seriouslie feel like going back to eat again o_O sherlyn meimei! :P
but now they increased the price lor... $28.80++ :(

and the manager let me take as much hokkaido ice-cream as i wanted :P even though it was past the last order and past the stated closing time...... WOO!
so i had a total of 8 little cups :P 2 chocolate-flavoured (which didn't taste that nice) and 6 vanilla-flavoured ones!
i wish i had the complexion of the ice-cream when i "spread" the ice-cream with the spoon :( smooth~ LOL

arghs, i want to eat :( but expensive $$$$$$$$


before i went out, i thought i was singing great ^_^ singing until verie shuang :B singing love song by big bang...... and other songs.
even as i was walking to nihon mura, i was singing a happy birthday song...... part of making someone happie, right?
AND I SANG WELL :( but when he appeared, my voice just quacked. sigh. but okay lah, i think he liked it LOL

i chanced upon / came across certain profiles and in the people's videos, they were singing...... wooo... so that inspired me lah! some more my voice so good, why not sing, right? ^^
i actuallie photo-boothed my singing of love song but it's too soft. and if they music plays, my voice just tends to the song's pitch. GRR :@

GRR!@#!@#!@ i should record a piece without music! :P

Kay. Enough le. Goodbye!

Happy Eighteenth birthday, Amos! 生日快乐！ actuallie should be happy belated birthday, right LOL
Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag! 생일 축하합니다! Selamat hari jadi! And happy birthday in Japanese and Thai which I can't type on my MacBook Pro 8D LOL.

enjoy your sweet 18 :)

i brought home 7 of the eight ice-cream spoons, by the way ;D
Samuel

Labels: 12unilife, happiebirthday, nihonmura

Four-hundred-thirty-third Post

hello~

for once, i did a MasteringChemistry assignment on my own! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

LOL. neeway, i'm still awake at this hour :(

i still have two important things on my plate to finish up......

1. edit pim's essay

2. do my GEK SHEET.

:( :(

arghs beetch GEK. hate doing projects =.=

PROJECTS UGHS.


neeway, what's up with me latelie?

for one, i haven't been thinking about people. not caring, in fact. so, i haven't been hurt recentlie. recentlie as in the past few days. FEW days.
arghs, sheet, I realised the youtube playlist html code is in my laptop in school =.=
:((

for two, OMG I SPENT HOURS AT A PLACE I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GO.

total crumbling of principles. i even helped clean up the place -_- i am so...... sigh


i went to the club on friday...... totallie just sat at the same spot for 2 hours ++ =.= LOL. without any friend to nudge me, i didn't move around at all :(

the music that day wasn't as fantastic as that on the past few fridays. disappointing!

joshie's friend was there o_O he offered me a lime drink :\
i tried it, AND IT TASTED GOOD O_O

usuallie i abhor alcoholic drinks because they're bitter as sheet. i can taste the slightest tinge of alcohol, but in that drink, i didn't taste it at all O.O

tastie and sour :s i liked it!
of course i was careful lah... so i drank like 2.5 cm x base area of that drink :s didn't reach the point of being very sick, lah

thanks dinosaur! :D

another person approached me and asked if i wasn't waiting for kyohei o_O aka HC.
yea, i wasn't. then he left LOL.

and got someone else who came and hugged me ARGHS. APFOJASPOFJPOQMGPOEMARHPOMAERH
oh no i am using too manie line breaks!
there's this guy who was sitting beside me facing me (because I sat near the corner) and he was drunk or feeling tired or something :x then he was sleeping and all... then the security guy spoke verie loudlie to him to tell him not to sleep :s

speaking of security guy, when i wanted to re-enter the club, the giant security guy refused to let me in! LOL. actuallie i was just gesturing to him that i wanted to enter but he just played along. then his female friend say i'm superman (coz i had a superman symbol on my shirt) then after a while after i said in a kiddie voice "i want to go innnn", he gave me a thumbs up and let me in LOL.

in the entrance passage, i thought i saw someone who looked familiar o_O could it have been him? maybe! handsome, though!

yup. and i saw some people. arghs. i can't shake the feeling that they're people who take advantage of people. but one of them must have been suggesting to someone sitting beside me if he wanted help in getting to know me. not clear, huh? never mind~

the clubbing session ended rather earlie o_O earlier than usual, anyway. it ended on time at 3+!

so i just went back to that dirty place and stayed there till the morning. i helped HC mop the floor omg. i should be driven with a stake.

oh yea, HC cooked reallie nice pasta :B IT WAS REALLIE DELICIOUS!
WHICH REMINDS ME THAT I HAD PASTAMANIA WITH SOMEONE! OH MY. chain memories LOL. and i'm tired :(
having a dilemma as to which song i should use for my blog now... monster or love song?
HC gave me 10 packets of rahbahdahkeys =.= which my mom found out about. my dad also knows now -_-
but they're cool about it o_O i mean they weren't malicious. they were jokeful, in fact. sigh......

my father said he walked the jianghus. 走过江湖. i was lying beside him on his bed.
he could accuratelie pinpoint the club i go to o_O beside the church and located in tanjong pagar.
he was right about what kind of club it was.
and of course he asked the question. i just kept quiet and left the room.

u.u
ugly boy signing off.
Samuel

Labels: 12unilife, clubbing, musicvideo

Four-hundred-thirty-second Post

i hate how i crumble every time i feel not just sad, but hurt and heartbroken

i thought things were going well.
i can't type properlie.
happie times. not the past, but the recent time we interacted with each other.
in real life and over the telephone

do you reallie have no more feelings for me anymore? do you reallie not like me anymore?

are you absolutelie certain you have moved on?

even steven didn't. steven didn't move on. steven did, though, in the end.

are you absolutelie certain that you have no more feelings for me? are you that good? did i mean nothing?

lol i'm back in my vicious cycle. i know i'm structured based on the support of others. i need other people to lift me from the mud. you must hate that i'm in the mud. but i was getting out of it a few days ago before you caused me to plummet and sink into the mud again.

i should move on, right? i can't kill those feelings for you. to neutralise them, i think i'll need to hate you. i need to be a heartless fucker who shall no longer give a shit about your situation. i shall leave you be and let you rot. other people may be using your photos for malicious purposes WHICH YOU DO NOT KNOW OF, but i shall not give a shit. that's your own fucking problem. must it boil down to this sort of treatment of the situation in order for me to move on?

i'll most probablie hurt you, but it's to make you hate me too. you have no more feelings for me anyway, right? so you won't feel hurt. instead, you'll feel angrie. that's when i know you trulie have no more feelings for me, and i can move on.
0246
0252
it's sad how things have to come to this. i didn't want this to happen, but i'm out of choices.

honestly, i'm thinking hard of how i should substantiate my actions. will i be like yong kiong? but you won't gaf anyway. i'm not a normal friend. lol.

and fuck all you people who type Lol to me. show your disdain or speechlessness elsewhere, not in my face.

and people who ask questions without question marks, FUCK YOU IF YOU AREN'T INTERESTED IN ASKING ANYWAY. ZIP YOUR FEIGNED INTEREST.

but if you guys do so without those intentions as mentioned, then all these aren't directed at you ^_^ so let your conscience do the talking.

move on, right? i guess after publishing this blog post, i will.

because that's when i clear all ambiguity and confront all the unanswered questions. i answer those questions myself. "do you still have feelings for me?"
"am i reallie a normal friend?"
"are you actuallie still interested in guys but you don't want rejected goods?"

whatever. none of my business.

i wonder if i have become like lawrence, though. heartless fucking bastard.

and i must be tired.

Samuel
0304

Labels: 12unilife