Four-hundred-thirty-seventh Post

I had been thinking about the past again, reliving the past thoughts and etc.

thinking about steven. just closing my eyes and burying my head under my bolster and pillow

imagining we were at the bus stop opposite of heartland mall.
just talking. sitting at the stone seats.
i held his hand suddenly. we talked. or i spoke, more accuratelie.

hey. i see that your face has some scars now... did you scratch your acne? don't scratch anymore, okay?

you know. i pray for you once in a while, but regularlie. i always pray that you are alright, that your familie is. i pray that you are living happilie with ace. i pray that you aren't doing anything bad like "dancing". i know that i can't stop you from doing some things like rescuing children, i know i can't, but i pray for you every time that you will be safe. i wonder if you think of me sometimes too like how i always think of you. i wonder if you will understand me, understand why i did some things.
and all this while, i was holding your hand as i teared into my bed
i wonder how things would have been different had we met. we could have met on a few occasions. we could have met on some day where you came to my house but i was having CCA. you dropped me a letter, remember? i wanted to skip CCA...
and you just sat beside me on the stone seat, listening to me. my soliloquy
i know i'm ugly. all these years no one has wanted me. i'm ugly.
hugging my bolster tightly, i turned around and i said,
i will never let you fall out the bed... off the bed, i mean.

suddenlie, the significance of my exbf diminished so greatly. i didn't feel its impact or importance anymore. because what i feel now is the true, far greater importance of steven.

we had a special relationship. i thought of who you were, your background, your current activities then, your relationship with me, your submission towards me... your treatment towards me. these all defined our special relationship.

it's a relationship i think i can never get in singapore. maybe if i go to the philippines.

i want this special relationship. even though i most probably will never see you again, in order to fill this emotional void, i will have to have a special relationship


with this thought in mind, i looked up an application in the app store on my iphone. i got onto that page and stared at it for tens of seconds. i was wondering hard if i should download it. i knew what i wanted — this special relationship — so that downloading this would not be a problem anymore with my conscience. i knew what i wanted. alas, the screen turned black. because of inactivity.
and of course i considered my principles and my religion
i just put my phone under my pillow and hugged my bolster, wrapping myself in my zebra blanket.


i wonder what i should do x) perhaps i will download it. for a far higher goal

Samuel

Labels: thoughts