Four-hundred-eighty-eighth Post

I was feeling pretty down this evening during Thai class.

I asked the teacher some questions and her replies were snide and unpleasant
the kind that makes you feel defeated

Yea, it wasn't the first time already.
I didn't even mean to ask "stupid questions"
they were genuine questions which may have appeared to be trivial and simple
and I truly wanted to know the answer

Nope. I got more than the "answer".
I got hurtful remarks
Remarks like "I don't see how it's a problem (to understand). I already told you."

I knew this would happen. So I had a good Tuesday until now.

I felt very welled-up inside of me, but I held back my emotions.
It felt really unpleasant. It was as if your mouth muscles contracted to give a perpetual sad face.
You couldn't even smile. You were just too sad to.

Luckily, thoughts of steven being beside me helped calm me down

i imagined he was there and was comforting me

i wrote

of course the english part. just the two lines before i wrote notes pertaining to class.
i imagined he would say those things in the first line
and i replied in the second

afterwards, i calmed down. it took me a while more before i could focus better in class

while i was writing, i felt reallie sad. reallie, reallie sad
it was as if when you come out to someone, you expose your sensitive side
and you just want to cry to that person who would take care of you when you were vulnerable
i felt that way

after class, i sat at the bus stop waiting for btc

i was typing a facebook post at the bus stop and i couldn't help but to cry
i was so sad and hurt
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hurt

thoughts of you helped. reallie.
i'm thankful to have known you.

on the way home, i was talking to you as if you were beside me
casting glances at the air where your face would have been
holding out my hand where you would fit yours in mine

on the way home, i admitted why you were so attractive
i asked you if there were attractive things about me, too...
we talked. we spoke about our past
that i thought your past was tragic and you said that mine wasn't free from tragedy too
i held out my hand and i fit my other hand in it, imagining that it was yours......

i also remember that i remarked you were tall and asked if you ate in school. i said i didn't, and that's why i was so short, but my brain was, metaphorically speaking, rather tall. taller than most people, anyway. and you agreed. and i guess that was something attractive about me

i admitted too that you were lucky to have someone like Ace.............................................
I told you too my last replies to stephanie that made her hate me and that I wish stephanie would stop being mad at me, and you gave me a feeling that she would... though you couldn't give a positive, certain answer


Steven, you really helped me stabilise my mood recently. I wish I could continue being taken care by you and not eventually touch fucking poison again.
I know you probably won't be reading this...... but I wish you would know how important you are to me even though I'd never see you again.

You help me, and I'm grateful. Thank you.

Thank you so, so much, deardearrr x)

Labels: 2015, sad, thanks, 너