Four-hundred-thirtieth Post

hey guys ^^

it's been a long time. needless to say, i messed up MANY TIMES. as usual? yea.
as usual. just languishing in a vicious cycle.

i went to genting with dexus :) but i don't feel like blogging about it. maybe next time when i feel like it.


perhaps i'll give an update on my life at the moment?


One. I've recently joined an online "forum". YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, RIGHT?
Even though I told myself years ago that I would NEVER, EVER do that.
But I did. Perhaps it was out of desperation?
I'll be honest for once. I even took a picture of myself using my MacBook Pro and used it as a display picture.

I totally threw my principles away.
I'm supposed to be doing work ><

I'll be honest. I am trying being open. That's why I even made an account -___- in hopes of getting to know potential friends.

I'm still being secretive. I don't wish to associate myself with those people, you see. I don't want a single association.

The more I think about it, actually, the more I find it pointless to be there. I mean, there are certain good-looking people I wanna get to know but I think they're pretty established in their wrongful mindset of sexuality that there are bound to be ideological clashes and therefore ensuing disagreement and unhappiness.

Therefore, I think I need to stop this pointless pursuit at some point. But when?

I'm kinda sad. I suffered a breakup recently. I told him he would be my last boyfriend because I want to retire from this pointless lifestyle. I think I didn't get enough to really move on. Just not enough emotional comfort and satisfaction. I kinda screwed up.

I kinda hate him now. He said we should remain as friends, but he doesn't even treat me as a friend anymore. Even as a stranger, he replied my Facebook messages, but as a "friend", fucking-hell no replies. It wasn't a pleasant breakup. Not a pleasant ending.

At least Steven replied me with an Audition message that was a pleasant ending before he vanished. This person?


Two. I intend to head to the club on Fridays regularly. Wow. What a big step, a subscription, right? I'm kinda desperate.

Neeway, the only thing I do at the club is to listen to music and look at people. Just looking and imagining things. Kind of a waste of time, but it's free entry anyway.

But I have CCA on Fridays from 9 to 11 pm WHAT THE FARKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

Since I don't intend to stay another year, I can actually heck it. LOL. Should I quit it now or later when I think I suck so much I'll be kicked out anyway? We'll see about that.


Three. I feel like being completely open. Perhaps I should make profiles on other dating sites? That's kinda risky...... Because I have flawed looks, too. Like compared to other people, I am EXTREMELY FLAWED. I also have some pictures on Facebook that I don't look good in.

All this is done so that I can ...... I can't, actually. I can't get the attention of some people. I also expose myself to the perverted eyes of more predators.

Actually, such a bold move stems from the fact that I want to renounce this lifestyle because it's pointless. Just totally stop this pointless shit that yields nothing emotionally satisfying, even though I've had a longing since I was in Primary Five. When I pursue heterosexuality, I wouldn't then have to give a single shit about people saying or thinking "oh, this person used to be gay!" because that will not matter at all.

Secularly, FUCK THOSE MOLESTORS _|_ you assholes are the cause that I'm like that.


So, should I try? Should I try exposing myself? Should I revamp myself to become like those people who look soooooooooo good in their pictures even though coincidentally they have many subscribers, the majority of whom are fucking perverts?
oops I forgot FQ reads my blog :x sorry for the vulgarities...
Kinda silly, though. I'm still secretive and hold on to certain principles like only accepting friend requests of people whom I know. Not for me, huh.


Okay. Maybe I'll think about it?
still having reservations, though. .......................
Samuel and fuck the new blogger layout

Labels: 12unilife