Three-hundred-thirty-second Post

it hurts so much to think that what i only have of you left are thoughts of you, a scan of your letter and our chatlogs
i can't move on. i don't want to move on x(

i begged someone to get your pristine e-mail address off the blacklist of her blogshop because you didn't eventually buy some lenses

I DONT KNOW. I WAS SO BROKEN. MY LIFE NEVER SEEMED TO HAVE HOPE
my throat's choking in pain x(
i'll do anything. i'll be your slave or dog.
Please reappear......
14 days ago. I know you are still around but i really wish you would talk to me
i wouldnt mean to be rude or stupid, incorrigible or a waste of your time
i wouldnt mean to hurt you or do anything bad
it must have been a fucking shame for you

i dreamt about you. it's the best dream ever.
i dreamt i was an l4d special infected with a group of fellow special infected at a hotel somewhere in the world.
we moved around the corridors covertly...... we tried to eat people
i went to a splendid room with three bejeweled bathtubs and we wanted to bathe but there's no water. we moved around some more and suddenly one of us went down to eat people. it alerted the crowd and they were after us. we tried to run and i tried to kill some by pouncing on them but it was of no use

i was at some grand hotel where there was a buffet...... it was all-you-can-eat
and must have been some food hotel because the food items were of many different cuisines.
i cannot remember exactly what happened but i had a feeling you were around
of all places in the world you travel, you were right here in the same building
i saw huncheng that molester. you must have known him...... i looked around for you and finally i saw you.
it had to be you. it was such a stark resemblence -- your looks, your height, your niceness...... you were with huncheng but you stuck with me. thank God
you went onto me and started to do what the green-haired guy did @@
it felt so good...... even in the dream, the feeling felt so real @@
i saw everything............ we really loved each other

i saw your abs and i remembered steph saying she can't stop looking at your abs so i asked while touching them
"how did you get your abs?" xD
"it's normal de......"
"then mine also normal de" xP

you followed me...... we were at the area near hougang mrt station. i suggested you came home with me because it was near serangoon where you must have stayed
it was near chompchomp which was a walkable distance away, from serangoon that is
you agreed...... we're finally gonna live together (;

we were walking around some hdb flats...... those white colour near hougang mall de. then got someone suddenlie talk to you O: he spoke japanese and u talked to him in japanese. i was so amazed by you xD

we were at bishan/serangoon mrt station...... we saw pim and sarah and co. on the train
grace and co. waved to them but did not exit the gate
they were trapped between the train and the glass door...... i tried to pry the gates open. i succeeded but it was enforced with electromagnets......

they were rescued. but you suddenly disappeared.
i went to look for you around stations...... but to no avail
my perception turned 3rd-person and my vision became warp

i have lost you x(

i woke up and i wanted to sleep again to look for you but chances are i will never see you again

It hurts so much
You've become a part of me
Please, help me alleviate this pain. Please!
do whatever. i promise you i will not kill myself. Please!
Do whatever. I promise you i will not hurt myself. I promise you.
I Promise you. I promise you I will not hurt myself.
Do anything but ignore me, please!
Could you give me a chance? I never hated you. I'm sorry.
I will be a good boy like I should be
I can't stand the surge of the thought that it's all impossible
Let me cry in front of you, in your arms. I wanna do that

I love you, I love you. I pray you are doing well in life.
You'll always be in my thoughts. constantly. hughug x(

25072010152700

<sub>What is/was in my mind......

i'm aloof when the situation calls for attention
live for the dreams. unmaterialised thoughts.

the deadliness of words. should i kill people with words......
or be a supposedly nice person and just bear with it

do i reallie have asperger? )';

punishment

i'm not getting things right

i know i've been dragging time on my part
but your total insensitivity and lack of empathy just make me want to give up

what's more important, orchard central or my well-being?

why should i smile... it's not for anyone

lol, no one understands.


i know. should i just go out with someone i dont know very well
and expose all my hidden depression. someone who is younger than me
expecting that he would understand when he wont because he has problems of his own?
should i call for help hoping she would understand and protect me holistically
so that i would feel safe from the start to the end
hoping she would not pressure me

you know what love is
it's an unconditional bond.
it is forgiving.
it is being honest and truthful

i know for sure someone has it
x)

Samuel</sub>

Labels: 10term3, dreams, heartache, iwnwil, 너