Four-hundred-fifty-fifth Post

I don't know what I've gotten myself into.

Work can be fun, yes, but it can also be depressing, especially when there are customers of certain types.

Every time I see them, I feel envious, depressed, longing, sad, reminiscent, regretful. Regretful of my own past totally since I was a sweet, pretty child.


One, there was a family of three and the son was probably around 5? He looked like me when I was young sia LOL. Really pretty, and CUTEEEEEEEEEEEE :D HAHAHA. OMG WHAT HAVE I BECOME? The cute me has passed away and my mom had been devastated...

Two, there was this family of six — two sons, two daughters.
Honestly, the sons looked like my father's taiwanese friend's sons -_- so good-looking sia. and they reallie resemble my father's friend's sons o_o
the elder son actuallie looked like Mr Low and... my father's friend's son. arghs I wanted to take his number LOL -shy-

yea. seeing how the mom communicated with her children — tolerant, jokingly, humourous (she was asking me why the choices in the menu were so limited)...... when i compared her to my mom......
in essence, i wish my family was more like this family. who knows what i would have become had i this family?
had i not suffered unfair punishments by my parents?

........................................................................................

i forgot to say a prayer for the elder son. i always (or used to always) pray that the person i wished i could have gotten to know will do well.

well, he came over to the cashier to tell us that he wanted the bill with a smile. i was hoping that he likes me...... ha.


work was reallie depressing. i rarely spoke past 10 pm. i was too depressed ~.~

...... just thinking how sad my life is.

i don't know what's wrong with me. why am i like this? I wish God would let me know.


I regret very much losing Steven. Only he can understand me and respond to me appropriately. No one else can.


i bathed soon after i got home and then went to bed. i was thinking how lonelie and devoid of comfort my emotional side is. i guess i reallie cried myself to sleep

Samuel wonder if it'd be depressing too if i work at wild wild wet too

Labels: cry, newyorknewyork, sad, thoughts, work

Hundred-eighty-fourth Post

i think hor, my emotional self-mutilation is as bad as the dumbasses' cutting of wrists

damn pain lah

cry cry cry
cry shuang~
想死
how leir
later go cycling then head on some car
i thought of jumping onto the road at lentor ave
想死
hate life

Samuel

Labels: 09juneholidays, cry, m

Hundred-seventy-first Post: H³

yoyoyo xD

back from victoria theatre @_@

today was the cultural thing

H³ o_______O
okay lah. dont reallie know how to appreciate it
was like sleeping for a while @_@

today (tuesday) was a crap day lah
failed term 2 <_<
haissssssssss

failedddddddddd AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FAILEDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
failed so many things
want die <_<

wanted to walk to dhoby ghaut but i guess my navigating skills arent too good yet @_@

today met pim, shake and bel :B
xDDD got pics :B go isoblog :B


cute hor? :B
hmm... tomorrow combined sports meet~

hais...... ytd crie @_@
today later gonna crie @_@
haha, bleahs. crie crie crie~
i 听话 orh? now go sleep le x) hughug...
Samuel

Labels: 09term2, cry, messedup, victoriatheatre

Hundred-fifty-ninth Post: Hoooobastank

mmmmmmmmmmm

cried @_@
many times xD

fantasized @_@
penetration =o

maybe shouldn't be tooo
emotional or something
so i shant be autoplaying insomnia here

should put a song i like instead u.u

the hamster cage's waterbottle sucks .____________________.
dunnoe what to name the hamster @_@
spike? xD
maybe when i have a dog, i'll name it spike =o





0008, kinda heart-warming xD

Samuel

Labels: 09term2, cry, musicvideo

Hundred-fifty-eighth Post

aha, drafted two posts
to hide :B

and my hamster bit me @_@
his name? xD dont know yet
u.u )';

i'm back @_@

after 2-3 days liddat <.< wtfox

main things are:

i cried like a kid for more than an hour @_@
i got the drips <.< wtfox man
and i removed it by myself without the doctors' permission but they didn't know and they didn't find out :B

i vomited on the taxi <.<

i dedicated a song to iso on 987fm pillow fight with soo xD
first time read out my dedication sia @_@
was like shocked
"spike sent in an sms. unfortunately, i dont have the new song by david archuleta, but i am gonna play a song by craig david, called insom-nee-ah. it's going out to all isolationists especiallie to your dear friend _________________________"
xDDDDDDDDDDDD

my phone is screwed up
i had wet dreams @_@
i've got another police report, this time for drug overdose <.<
i'm getting indifferent about my records <.<

and i have been thinking of someone
=]
i've got to set up my cage @_@
i dont want it to be another regret Dx
in case u wanna see sommore pictures, can go the link =o
http://www.friendster.com/photos/24001431/1/297014370
it's very disgusting though @@ and browse through backwards xD

kk, time to set up the cage, i guess o_O

and if i'm sad or very sad, i guess i should stick to the old.

Samuel emooooooooooo xD

Labels: 09term2, cry, heartache, hospital, iwnwil

Eighty-fifth Post

hi people ^^

went changi airport t3...... first time coming here =o
ate at 旺café xD
haha... chicken macaroni... then set 1 =o
got tea, 2 half-boiled eggs, 2 slices of... kaya butter toast.................
cousin kope one... tsk tsk.
then i kope back =x
great aunt is nice......
my nephew damn noisie... cry cry cry
result of too much attention given...
like my sister, too much... pampering...

yada yada...... then we all went swensen's...
makan ^^ had the walnut choco thing... whatever la.
but they pour the thang on the hotplate ^^ 好好吃哦！=D
yumyum ^^
but felt sick after eating ~_~ not used to concentrated sweet stuff @_@

haha... then send my cousin off~ she's going to holland for an exchange programme... 6 months! @@

took cousin's car home...

soon home =D

then msn....................... very sad things happened.
del-ed off some people coz i cant get what i want from them.
maybe coz they're occupied. or they are just humans to be arrogant, to be sought-after. it's like if there were to be a conversation, it must be initiated by ME and not HIM.
dont reallie care though. and... how does it feel when you reallie like someone?
i know. it's human arrogance.
and the intelligence behind it.
it's like me. looking for korkor on friendster. but when one comes, i reject. stupid.
_______________________________________________________________ dont reallie want to care

what's wrong with me? why doesnt he want me.......................
....................................................................... it's like condescending. i might not be as goodlooking, but i own him in IQ. maybe i'm nicer. AND I AM PATHETIC AND SUBMISSIVE when it comes to a korkor. an intimate r/s
what inhibited? his arrogance? intelligence.
maybe i'm also wasting time. 1992 are bad people.

i switched the computer off and locked myself in my room.

TO CRY.

used coarse language on mom and sister. God-damn myself.
cry. cry. now got four people: kennie, weikang, alfred, delon
maybe i should include yaoming too. i think you wouldn't bother wanting me.
respecting my choice? or whatever of that ilk. ALL RUBBISH. i dont take that.
so there are five people?
sure. AND THINKING OF OTHERS. younger. older.
whomever i've hurt. whomever i've showed that i dare to do things. like sending an online police report about a paedophile _|_ fucker

what happened? i turned suicidal.
:D SUICIDAL, AND I MEAN IT
maybe onlie when i'm dead, some people can cry. can die. can think about what if. they said yes. etc..
condescending................................................ dont know.
I KNOW. good for you, i'll be a scar in your life.

i dont want any intervention. too much of it drove me back. i dont want any. happier year my foot....................................................
..................................................

i think by disappearing, it will bring much ultimate happiness to my school. to individuals. though my familie might be scarred forever. i dont want to care.
maybe God wouldnt accept me into heaven. then i can onlie burn in hell, suffer every second in excruciating pain. etc..

good wad. noone will ever pester you and etc.
i've become a nothing.

my heart hurt badly.
maybe it just takes that one step back to re-accept. to make people reallie happie.
unless they are reallie voided of feelings. of INTEREST.

so tired. so hurt.
so unwanted. so painful.
i wish i'm dead. but i'm a bit scared. i dont want any fucking counseling.
if i'm gonna kill myself, i make sure i reallie kill myself.
save the jail. handcuffed in my coffin... while people will not go for my funeral.
while people still criticise me.

why live? )';

Samuel

Labels: 09start, cry, firsttime

Fifty-fifth Post

i was pushed onto the floor.
told to "STOP IT".
tsk, and fancie all these. i was going about MY OWN BUSINESS.
being a KID.
maybe i was kinda emo-ing. but i wasnt. just being a kid, shy and all.
to THINK you would do such a thing to a KOR?

KOR MY


FUCKSHIT _|_


SOAB

i will NEVER FORGIVE YOU, TEO ZHI XIONG.
i del-ed all your fucking sms-es without reading.
you are OFFICIALLIE DISOWNED :O

sure, i cried. but NOT FOR YOU _|_
just imagining why no korkor came to comfort me.
nevermind. i have my imaginary jsen didi
you rejected me. i will never accept you again.
the same goes to everyone else. reject me, sayonara

tsk, you spoilt the keychain ms wong gave me. it costs 6dollars, fucker.

i will NEVER forgive you


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

today went tan tock seng hospital. eye thing.
doctor says my astigmatism is low o.o
tsk,

guess made mom unhappie.
i was thinking to myself.
i want to LOSE MY FEELINGS.
so i wont feel hurt when i hurt her.
let me be a heartless bastard. i wish she could disown me.
i have noone to support me, though.
it's okay, just to make you feel better. and you should feel better.
just get over it.

she's the one i love alot.
whenever i shouted at her, i would always cry
GAH. _________________________, samuel

Samuel

Labels: 08mlchlydechols, cry, dulan, heartache

Thirty-fifth Post: Melancholy

hi ~.~

today, kena rejected. not that i reallie mind......
maybe it triggered thangs. such as weikang.
then kennie.

i had been emo-ing since mos burger to. O.O macdonalds.
i finallie teared when i thought of one thing. my schoolmate......

i kept on calling myself "son of a..., bastard"

yea, i cried. at macdonalds.
"You're abnormal. So, why are you still living.................."
cry. cry. cry. ~.~
then someone said "he's normal liao"
i retracted my hand. not taking the fries -_-'l|
yea. cry more. fuck myself

i tied my handkerchief around my neck. choking myself. kinda.
if i tilt my head to look up, there's high pressure.
~_~ fuck myself
so........................ finallie removed the handkerchief after 20mins or something......

went home with sendi didi. xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
thanks for the day, =D

and. the boy is still at the coffeeshop
i began "i nvr want to see him again"
i was voided of feelings as i walk home.
what is this?
i don't know
no matter, anyway

tomorrow isoouting, i want more people swim~

Samuel

Labels: 08mlchlydechols, cry, heartache

Twelfth Post: Action

okay, i better set some guidelines so i wont be beguiled to the point i should commit suicide.

1. i will never use my webcam to show anyone from trevvie.

2. i will never do anything sexual with anyone i meet from trevvie. at least not anymore
3. the most you give is your identitie, ie ur email and/or friendster.

4. never "share" or "trade" videos. dont spread the satanic virus of pr0n. God, DAMN YOU, SATAN =o





ok. i'm back from crying. hmm... time differs in this entrie.
cried coz i'm rejected again. blah.

hmm......

5. if all else fails. TRY to get melacholy. if you cant... then......

............................................................................

6. learn.

Samuel

Labels: 08mlchlydechols, cry

Eleventh Post

o.O

looks like i cried myself to sleep last night...... really.
~.~

i was like "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" in my room
i kept on cursing myself and blaming myself for losing relationships. ~.~
..........................................................................................

yea, so, i cried.
.....................................

there's this weird sensation in my stomach......
could it be gastic-induced?
or the snapple drinks
i dunnoe......

give me a chance, please, justin...

phoe.......... ~.~

Samuel

Labels: 08mlchlydechols, cry

Third Post

i'm going to the park......
............

i know i have hurt people. they will never forgive me in the sense we could retain the same cordial status. i know we're only humans.

it's very depressing... i have hurt people. been insensitive, been uncaring and hurtful in words and actions. people......

reading chat logs. how dumb can i get
tears....... welling up......... just a blink and they roll down......
or maybe a few blinks...
the main things is, i am crying.

Samuel

Labels: 08mlchlyT4, cry